Random musings from the front line (well, more like the support trench, or perhaps the castle 10 miles away, supping Chateau Lafite with the General Staff) in the battle for curiosity, inertia, grammar and a Dachshund called Colin.

Friday, May 27, 2005

Oh Lordy Lord Lord Lord...

St Ephen of Green, our moral guide!Recently, I've found myself getting very angry with the bunch of self-important arrogant types who dare to call themselves the representatives of all British Christians. Humourless, confused, very single-minded and completely intolerant of anyone who doesn't fit into their idea of repressed pseudo-1950s lower middle class Britain, Christian Voice seem to think that they have the makings of a modern day political party, aiming to create a Britain in which a sort of Anglo-Saxon Sharia law will apply. I can't help thinking of Eddie Izzard's sketch about a Fundamentalist Church of England (the cry of "Cake or Death"!).

In fact, in their "alternative" Queen's Speech", Stephen Green and his cronies want to base the entire criminal justice system on the dodgy mediaeval translation of a 3000 year old Arab book (a handy guide here), including all those frankly incomprehensible bits in Leviticus (you know the book that is often quoted as where God forbids homosexuality, although the bit about sending a woman to the desert for a week during her monthly "unclean" period isn't often sermonised from C of E pulpits). Thank heavens for the 99.6% of the British population (most of whom are nominally Christian, such as myself) who feel that tolerance, live-and-let-live and free speech are still important in this country. It's good to see that most people (and these lovely people) treat them with the disdain they deserve, and so far not a single showing of the harmless (and tasteless, and mildly amusing) Jerry Springer opera has been cancelled by their "threat" of mass "hymn singing" outside theatres.

So as a special mediaeval treat, Merkin brings you the bits of the bible that you'll soon have to stop ignoring (feel free to visit the "National Campaign HQ" of Christian Voice for a bijou picket-ette if you disagree) and start obeying:

  1. Stop eating prawns. And oysters. And those yummy snail-type things you get in France. As it makes very clear in both Leviticus (Lev 11:10) and Deuteronomy, if you eat any sea food without fins or scales, you're committing an awful sin. The Jews are big on this one, but as they're going straight to Stephen Green's hell for not believing in Jesus, it's too little too late. Spread the word on the evil shrimp....
  2. And pigs and other cloven-footed beast. STOP IT. Again, Jews do this, but the big JC sort of never forgave them for not believing in him, apparently.
  3. Lev 21:20 states that you may not approach the altar of God if you have a defect in your sight. Confusing whether reading glasses count, or even if you're a bit bleary-eyed after a night out stoning blasphemous people (Lev 24:10-16).
  4. Lev 19:19 says that you must not wear clothes made of two different types of fibre. I hope "Dr" Green in his woollen suits is also wearing woollen pants, and socks, and shirt and tie. Else he'll get stoned. Probably.
  5. Don't even think about having the hair around your temples cut next time you're at the barber. Leviticus 19:27 says no.
  6. Here's a good thing though - no more having to pay for Char to clean the dishes after your pork- and shellfish-free dinner party. You see, Lev 25:44 says you can own a pair of slaves from neighbouring nations as long as they're male and female. I'm thinking of getting a male French chef and a female Scottish gardener, myself. Where's that Dimmock lady from, exactly?

I could go on, but you get the idea. A very funny letter called "Dear Dr Laura" did the email rounds a few years ago, which makes very similar points. In fact, Christain Voice even devote a lot of web space to a point-by-point rebuttal of it , which makes them look even more ridiculous. One (unintentionally) hilarious bit:

Q. My friend tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone him as commanded in Leviticus 24:10-16 ?
A. Yes, because it is all a matter of due process.

So there you go. Dennis Thatcher's famous phrase comes to mind - "Better to stay silent and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and prove it". But what do YOU think? Tell them (info@christianvoice.org.uk) or my other reader via the comments thing. Bacon sarnie, anyone?

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