Random musings from the front line (well, more like the support trench, or perhaps the castle 10 miles away, supping Chateau Lafite with the General Staff) in the battle for curiosity, inertia, grammar and a Dachshund called Colin.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Tip Top Top Tips

Yes, I know it's a cop out. But I've been away for a week doing the annual torture that is the only part of my job that I really don't enjoy one bit - interviewing teenagers. So, before I regale you with stories of monumental stupidity, here's the text of the only thing that has made me laugh this week - an emailed list of the best "Top Tips" from the ever-scatalogical and irreverent comic Viz.

In case you aren't aware of this section in this my-favourite-mag-when-I-was-12 publication, this is a monthly column that satirises the inane contributions to Women's Magazines such as "Horse hoof clippings scattered on turnip plants increase the size twofold" and "to remove cat faeces from carpets, sprinkle hundreds-and-thousands over the offending items and invite a labrador into the room". Those of you easily offended (and copyright lawyers) please look away now....

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by taking a leak before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress - just in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail in an envelope marked "Happy Birthday".

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

PARTIALLY BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, why not beep your horn and wave your arms frantically? This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do notappear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

There's lots more on the Viz website - just click on Top Tips - and I've just found one of the all time classics on it:

NISSAN MICRA drivers. The little number 5 on your gearstick refers to what is known as 'fifth gear'. This will allow you to reach speeds of over 25 mph.

6 Rants & Replies:

Blogger Mister Whiskers said...

My all-time favourite is, "Make the milkman think you have an active sex life by answering the front door looking tired, but happy."

10:38 am, October 06, 2005

 
Blogger Merkin said...

The possibilities are endless! I also liked:

HOMEOWNERS Don't hesitate to tell the rest of us how much your house has appreciated in value since you bought it. The more frequently you give us updates, the greater will be our delight at your good fortune and our admiration and respect for your financial prescience.

1:35 pm, October 06, 2005

 
Blogger garfer said...

I haven't bought Viz in years. I have to say, it's one of the few things to have made me burst out laughing on the bus. Take D C Thompson and add some vulgarity: Fuckin' genius.
Pity that 'it's not as funny as it used to be'.

1:54 pm, October 06, 2005

 
Blogger WordWhiz said...

This stuff just cracked me up!! Thanks!

5:01 pm, October 07, 2005

 
Blogger malachi trizec said...

i'm SO gonna try the thing with the white wine...

11:08 pm, October 08, 2005

 
Blogger WordWhiz said...

Changed my profile blurb and gave you due credit!! Thanks!!

5:12 pm, October 09, 2005

 

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