Random musings from the front line (well, more like the support trench, or perhaps the castle 10 miles away, supping Chateau Lafite with the General Staff) in the battle for curiosity, inertia, grammar and a Dachshund called Colin.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Doctor Proctor's Dilemma

There's quite a famous article (supposedly from a 1986 issue of "Surgery" magazine) entitled "Foreign Rectal Bodies". Every few years someone you know emails it out and we can all giggle about people who tell doctors that they were (hoovering naked/drinking wine naked/taking the gerbil for a walk naked) - delete as applicable - and when they slipped over, something became inadvertently wedged up their backside. The poor lambs. There's is (as you might imagine) a huge amount of information about this topic on the internet, but I particularly like the following abstract from "Anal Eroticism: Two Unusual Rectal Foreign Bodies and Their Removal" by Drs. Roy W. Graves, E. Jackson Allison, Jr., Robert R. Bass, and Richard C. Hunt - Southern Medical Journal -- Vol.76 No.5.
"In one review of colorectal foreign bodies and their management, all patients were male and mostly in the fourth and fifth decades of life. Most often the foreign bodies had been self-introduced. All patients had physical examination, biplane abdominal roentgenograms, and proctosigmoidoscopy to determine location, type, and number of foreign bodies. Transanal manipulation and extraction of the foreign bodies were attempted only after regional anesthesia. After removal, a repeat proctosigmoidoscopic examination was done to assess the condition of the bowel wall, and the patients were then observed for 24 hours for possible complications. Sohn and Weinstein reported more than 100 cases of successful removal of foreign objects in the office, with local, perianal, and submucosal anesthesia."

But now - I have proof that these things exist in areas outside of medical journals and sicko websites. Picture the scene - you're an adolescent boy, feeling a bit horny, and your parents have gone out for the evening. You find your sister's small vibrator and decide to do a bit of self-exploration. Unfortunately, in the process you lose your little pink friend - ahem - inside yourself. You try for a long time to remove said item, but only succeed in pushing it further inside. You panic, and embarrassingly make your way to A&E, to be confronted by two junior doctors who (whilst trying not to wet themselves) arrange for surgical removal of the toy.

Now, put yourself in the ethical dilemma of the junior doctor. You take X-Rays, and after a successful operation (a dildectomy?) telephone the poor lad's mum to come and pick him up. Just as worried parents burst into the ward, wondering why their son is in hospital, you choose that moment to return a certain pink item of property back to his possession. Furthermore, you take photographs of the X-Rays to email to all your friends, who then do the same, and so on and so on.

And the ethical dilemma? It' s this: Just how much of an evil bastard do you have to be to be a junior doctor these days? Next time I prepare cucumbers, I'm doing it with my pants on. For a change....

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