Random musings from the front line (well, more like the support trench, or perhaps the castle 10 miles away, supping Chateau Lafite with the General Staff) in the battle for curiosity, inertia, grammar and a Dachshund called Colin.

Friday, January 20, 2006

SWM, GSOH, WLTM SWF for N/S fun.

Come and play with my enormous cockIt's always been a joke amongst my friends that the personal advertisements in local newspapers and Free-Ads-type publications are a goldmine of blindingly obvious euphemisms and barely disguised descriptions of major personality flaws. I've been compiling a list for a blog post for a while now and, together with a few pointers from the world of the internet, here's what I've come up with. Let me know if you have any additions.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN

Adventurous = Owns strap-on dildo and will use it. On first date.
Athletic = Flat-chested.
Average looking = Fat and very ugly.
Beautiful = Either a) Liar or b) Major personality flaw.
Bubbly = Fat
Cuddly = Fat
Curvaceous = Fat
Educated = Didn't lose her virginity when she was at university.
Feminist = Lesbian.
Forty-ish = Just turned 50.
Free spirit = Hippy on the dole.
Looking for friends = On the rebound and desperate. Has a child.
Fun = Fat and irritating.
Gentle = Men walk all over her
Good Listener = Stupid. Will stalk you when dumped.
Good Sense of Humour = Laughs at Xmas cracker jokes. Normally fat.
Happy = Drunk by lunchtime.
Loving = Desperate for husband.
New-Age = Hairy hippy on the dole.
Old-fashioned = Bad taste in clothes. No sex until 10th date.
Open-minded = Goes like a belt-fed wombat.
Outgoing = Fat, irritating and loud.
Passionate = Cries a lot. Will stalk you when dumped.
Poet = Hippy who works at Starbucks
Professional = Lost her virginity at university. No friends at work.
Reubenesque = Morbidly obese.
Romantic = Owns many teddy bears.
Slim = Flat-chested.
Sociable = Alcoholic. Wants to go dogging.
Voluptuous = Makes "Reubenesque" women look thin.
Wants Soulmate = Will stalk you even before being dumped.
Young at heart = Just turned 55.

MEN SEEKING WOMEN

Athletic = Played sport at school. Subscribes to Sky Sports.
Average looking = Looks hideous in daylight.
Caring = Desperate.
Cuddly = Fat and lives with his mother.
Educated = Will patronise you. Dresses like someone 10 yrs younger.
Free Spirit = Wants to sleep with your best friend. And your sister.
Fun = Wants to take you dogging.
Good looking = Arrogant. And good looking.
Good Sense of Humour = The pub bore.
Very good looking = Very stupid and not very good looking.
Honest = Married and a liar.
Huggable = Fat and hairy
Looking for friends = Will shag you after he's got you drunk.
Mature = Older than your father
Open-minded = Wants to sleep with your best friend. And your sister. At the same time.
Poet = Gay
Sensitive = Virgin
Very sensitive = Gay virgin
Professional = Wanker. Will dump you first time you refuse to have sex.
Rugby build = Very fat.
Sporty = Women a very long way behind his favourite football team in terms of priority.
Spiritual = Felt guilty once after having sex with a nun.
Stable = Arrested for stalking, but not convicted.
Stocky = Fat, hairy and smelly.
Thoughtful = Says "Excuse me" when he farts.
Urban = Chav.
Young at heart = 45 years old. Dresses like a poor 25 year old. Wants to go out with 18 year old.

MEN SEEKING MEN

18 years old = Either a) 15 years old or b) 23 years old.
24 years old = 29 years old.
27 years old = 32 years old.
29 years old = 34 years old.
Active = Angry. Possibly married.
Bisexual = Gay.
Cross-dresser = Married.
Curious = Gay.
Discreet = Married.
Non scene = Ashamed of being gay.
Ready for relationship = Reached the 100 different men stage and wears colostomy bag.
Passive = Quiet. Wants to be Active.
Versatile = Active.
Wants Fun = Wants fumble on the common.
Wants "No Strings" fun = Married and wants fumble on the common.

2 Rants & Replies:

Blogger surly girl said...

absolute genius. i wish i'd thought of that.

grrr.

11:35 am, January 30, 2006

 
Blogger Merkin said...

Too kind, Surly. I think.

1:32 pm, January 31, 2006

 

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