Random musings from the front line (well, more like the support trench, or perhaps the castle 10 miles away, supping Chateau Lafite with the General Staff) in the battle for curiosity, inertia, grammar and a Dachshund called Colin.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Thai Die Tee-Shirt

A double celebration last night, as one of my housemates has just got engaged to his lovely girlfriend (AND I found out that girls don't like the word "fiancee". Nor do they like being called "Beyonce the Fiancee". And they especially do not like being telephoned at 3 o'clock in the morning and called "Beyonce the Fiancee". Some people have NO sense of humour...) and the 3 of us blokes who live in my place went for a fantastic Thai curry to mark the event. After a very nice meal, we went to our new local and drank copious amounts of red wine, one bottle of which was donated by the very nice owner of the pub who listened very politely as we told him how to make his pub better.

ANYWAY, we were soon joined (inadvertently - he stole one of our stools) by Elmer J Chickenshit III - a very thick-skinned, and thick, American who was in the pub on his own. Now I'm a complete lover of the USA, but this guy made me want to nuke the place. After he barged into our circle (and he refused to introduce himself or tell us him name) we had the following surreal conversation:

"So what are you doing here in Portsmouth then?"
"I'm in the US Air Force, on exchange in the UK"
"Really? Are you over here working with the Royal Air Force?"
"No, I'm in the US Air Force"
"But you must be working with the British over here?"
"No, I'm in the US Air Force"
"But you said that you're on exchange here. Are you working with the Navy in Portsmouth?"
"No, I'm in the US Air Force"
"But you must be working with the British Armed Forces if you're on an exchange"
"No, I'm in the US Air Force"
"But .. oh never mind. [At this stage we decided to have some fun with him] So you're in the US Army?"
"No, I'm in the US Air Force"
"Is that part of the US Navy?"
"No, I'm in the US Air Force"
"Oh, I see. Like the US Marine Corps"
"No, I'm in the US Air Force"
"And you're a sailor then. How interesting."
"No, I'm in the US Air Force"

At 12.30am, we stumbled home and it soon became apparent that one of the three of us wasn't as 'pub fit' as the other two. Our suspicions were first aroused when he collapsed on the floor in the hallway and started snoring. He couldn't in fact be woken, so we were about to put a duvet on him (he's 6 ft 4 - and uncarriable up the stairs) when he let out an almighty belch and promptly showed us what his Thai meal looked like 4 hours after being eaten. We thought this was hilarious, and took photos for future blackmailing purposes. We then convinced him to stumble upstairs and left him asleep in the recovery position while we scooped, mopped and disinfected.

Can you tell what it is yet? Is it art? No, it's photo-manipulated gunk. Don't click this image. PLEASE

Annoyingly the next day (ie this morning), the smug git (with no hangover because his stomach was strangely empty of alcohl overnight) found the pictures on my camera, deleted them, and wiped the camera card clean. BUT he'd forgotten about the "Sent Messages" folder on the PC (didn't you, mate?), so one image remains. Click on the magic 3D button (a pixellated and reblurred close up of the image - ain't technology great?!?) above for the full technicolour glory - WARNING - IMAGE IS (UNCHARACTERISTICALLY FOR ME) NOT VERY PLEASANT. Best you don't look if you have eaten recently. Or even if you don't want to see a not-very-nice image of my lovely marble tiles being defiled. Actually, you'd have to be a bit weird to want to look anyway, only not as strange as you'd have to be to post it!

I did warn you...

4 Rants & Replies:

Blogger Inexplicable DeVice said...

Eeeewwww! That doesn't look like vomit - that looks like his insides!

8:12 pm, January 11, 2006

Blogger Merkin said...

I warned you!

WV: hxhnvmim - the noise he made in my hallway....

1:08 am, January 16, 2006

Blogger Spinsterella said...

I'm trying to eat a flapjack.


9:17 am, January 16, 2006

Blogger Merkin said...

No need to ask my permission to eat the flapjack, Spinny. But since you do, be my guest.

1:45 pm, January 16, 2006


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