Random musings from the front line (well, more like the support trench, or perhaps the castle 10 miles away, supping Chateau Lafite with the General Staff) in the battle for curiosity, inertia, grammar and a Dachshund called Colin.

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Neological Adventures

The following was emailed to me last week as "New Words for 2006". A few are old favourites and can be found in the inestimable Roger's Profanisaurus, but as for the rest - edit your dictionaries accordingly, and start testiculating!

TESTICULATING. Waving your arms around and talking Bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING. Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER. A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ARSEMOSIS. The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY. The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD. single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE. The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

OHNOSECOND. That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

GOING FOR A McSHIT. Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE. One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

AUSSIE KISS. Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BEER COAT. The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home at 3am after a booze session.

BEER COMPASS. The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze session, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BREAKING THE SEAL. Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

GREYHOUND. A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

MILLENNIUM DOMES. The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually fuck all in there worth seeing.

MYSTERY BUS. The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

PICASSO BUM. A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks. Similar clothing often seen on the chest of fat girls in Newcastle - the "Picasso Bra".

4 Rants & Replies:

Blogger Wyndham said...

Brilliant Merkin. I am firing up my email now.

6:04 pm, February 09, 2006

Blogger Merkin said...

Wyndham, you've lost me there. Are you testiculating?

7:33 pm, February 09, 2006

Blogger Inexplicable DeVice said...

We had a flock of seagull managers at work but testiculating seems to have got rid of them.

10:04 pm, February 09, 2006

Blogger Steve said...

Brilliant, This will get forwarded on to the "select list" tomorrow morning.

As for seagull managers, quite a few at my workplace, and they've made nests.

9:20 pm, February 12, 2006


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